Divorce

One weird thing about divorce is that your ex-husband’s family will unfriend you from Facebook, and it will shock you, though it probably shouldn’t.

Obviously they’re showing camaraderie for their blood family member. The one who did no wrong, the one who tried his hardest, the one whose only mistake was marrying an evil person. You.

You are not evil. No one is really evil, except maybe Hitler, and even he had some obvious psychological issues. But since you’re imperfect, you begin to examine all your imperfections. You pick them out one by one, hold them up to the light, and think, maybe this means I’m evil. Maybe this means they’re right.

You try not to take it personally.

You eventually admit it’s impossible not to take it personally.

You wonder if they made the decision jointly. You imagine phones ringing across the country. A consensus is reached. You are voted off the island.

You don’t really understand the concept of Facebook unfriending in the first place. You would never want to boot someone out of your life. And it’s not like Facebook has a maximum number of friends. You weren’t doing any harm, there. You weren’t taking up much space. You were just a face on a list of acquaintances. Was your mere presence that insufferable?

But one day you realize you haven’t heard from someone in a while. You do a search. Nothing comes up. You search some more. No one comes up. You find a profile with the “Add as Friend” button. It becomes clear.

The small space you were occupying has closed up around you. You were family one day not too long ago. Now you’re obviated.

Not even an acquaintance. Not even a face on a list. Not even a presence to suffer.

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9 Responses to Divorce

  1. Ann says:

    I really want to give you a hug… I know it may not do much, but there it is.

  2. Julienne says:

    That’s a tough one. Thinking of you 🙂

  3. Daniel Mick says:

    Thanks for sharing so honestly.

  4. pinksilkjournal says:

    I’m sorry.

  5. anna says:

    i’ll offer my perspective from a different angle. my husband was married once before, for 10 years, and many of his family members were FB friends with his ex-wife, which was fine with me at first…. but she’s an “over-commenter”, and it was frustrating seeing her jump all over their status updates and photo albums like she was still part of the family. since we live a ways from his family, most of our interaction with them is online, and i felt like i didn’t have a place in the family since ex kept jumping back in the picture on FB. it finally took her making a thinly veiled jab at their son/brother to realize that maybe their time as virtual friends has come to a close.

    i don’t know you and i’m not at all suggesting you would do the same. just offering my own weird experience with FB, family, and exes. 🙂

  6. Anna, I totally relate to your experience too! My ex-husband’s family fell in love with the girl he dated before me, and they all friended her on Facebook. It was always super awkward for me when my MIL would write on her wall or vice-versa. Many many years later, and they are all STILL friends with her on Facebook, even though I’m now history.

  7. Katie says:

    Facebook actually DOES have a friend limit! But, it’s 5,000. So not a good excuse.

    It’s an awkward thing.
    When my brother’s ex broke up with him, my mom asked if she should de-friend her on Facebook. I told my mom not to defriend her. I said eventually the ex would realize and it would probably give her more hurt feeling then it would give [my mom] peace of mind.

  8. Courtney says:

    Just one more reason I’m not on FB…

    To play devil’s advocate, after my ex and I split he mentioned still talking to my parents. I told him I didn’t know if I’d be comfortable with it, even though I was the reason for the initial split, though his actions certainly contributed. He replied, “They’re my family too…” No, actually, they’re not. They’re MY family. And they’re not taking sides by not communicating with you, but I’m their daughter and even if I was the one who ultimately broke the marriage, my parents don’t stay part of your family after. They’re a part of me. So don’t think of it so much as them choosing him, but rather they are just supporting their son/brother. Don’t think of it as them being unkind or angry at you, just being there for their son/brother/cousin in a small way. Besides, do you really want them peeking in on your new life with your new boyfriend?… I’d bet the answer is no.

  9. Molly says:

    I had my feelings hurt when I blogger I wasn’t even that friendly with unfriended me, so I can only imagine the sting you’re feeling. Sorry, love.

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