Traffic Tickets

What Not To Do With a Traffic Ticket:

1. When you go to your city’s website the day after you received the ticket to make an online payment, don’t half-heartedly read the instructions for submitting a citation number, submit the number incorrectly because you haven’t read the instructions fully, and then give up, because the website says the cop has two weeks to enter your ticket into the system, anyway.

2. When you go back a week later, don’t ignore the instructions AGAIN, submit the (incorrect) number AGAIN, and assume that the number still isn’t in the system AGAIN.

3. When you tell your mother this, don’t listen to her theories about how maybe the cop felt bad for you and decided not to enter the ticket into the system. Your mom is almost always right, but she’s not right this time, and she was probably joking anyway and thought you smart enough to know the difference. The cop did not feel bad for you, and he did enter the ticket into the system; you’re just too dumb to know how to retrieve it.

4. Don’t cruise for two more weeks on this false hope.

5. Don’t make other plans for spending that estimated $200.

6. Don’t listen to other people when they say that defensive driving is a waste of money because you’ll have to pay the fine anyway. You won’t have to pay the fine anyway, and you’re eligible for defensive driving, and you do not want two tickets in two weeks on your driving record.

7. Just basically don’t assume you know anything about all about tickets, especially if you went eight goddamn years without a single one.

8. Don’t wait until your 21 days are up to finally call the courthouse to hear over the phone that a warrant is out for your arrest.

9. Don’t flashback to a news story you heard the day after you got your ticket, about how cops in Texas can now arrest those with outstanding tickets on the spot, and how you relayed it to your boyfriend and joked that that would never apply to you, of course, because IT NOW DOES.

10. Don’t cry on your lunch break, c’mon.

11. Don’t google the options you would’ve had if you hadn’t been so stupid about all of this after you’ve already paid the ticket (on the website, after finally reading the instructions carefully), which included a $60 fine because you waited one day too long.

12. Don’t try to imagine how high your car insurance is going to be now. It’s already done. Best you can do now is save up.

13. Don’t assume anyone cares to read about your stupidity regarding traffic tickets on your blog, asshole.

Basically, do the complete opposite of me at all times in all matters, and your life should be just dandy.


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2 Responses to Traffic Tickets

  1. Kathleen says:

    I have a ticket hanging over my head right now too; it’s for riding the light rail and being unable to produce a valid fare item. I got nailed for this the same day I changed my bus pass (which is valid for the light rail) to a parking pass at work. Basically it was the ONLY TIME I ever could possibly have been caught without a ticket, so of course I did. And had to sit through a lecture from the cop about how the city is losing thousands of dollars a year and I’m part of the problem. He didn’t seem to care that my employer had technically already paid for my ride, and my tears were meaningless to him.

    This happened over a month ago, and my court date isn’t until September. I don’t plan to go to court, but I am actively putting off paying the fine. They don’t deserve my money, and it still makes me bitter.

  2. Crystal says:

    I’m really sorry, because it seems like this has made you cry a lot, but this had me giggling almost the entire time I read it.

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