Writers’ Block

One thing you should know about me and blogging is that when I don’t write anything for a while, it usually means that I’ve fallen into the deep, deep hole of believing that everything I say is either ignorant or offensive or both.

It comes on without warning.

Sometimes it’s based on an incident.

This time the onset seemed to coincide with my entering a room full of Boyfriend’s band mates as they were recording some songs and making an ass out of myself by stating my anger with a woman on Facebook about her views regarding this blasted Islamic prayer room in Manhattan.

I was worried I offended some or all of them.

I probably didn’t. They’re a gracious bunch. But I was worried nonetheless.

And I felt silly. I hate feeling silly.

Then there was the semi-friend who made me feel, on several different occasions, as though everything I said was annoying. I defriended her (Facebook has made the concept of defriending so concrete), but for some reason her approval meant a lot to me, so the lack thereof hurt. Still does.

Why did her approval mean so much to me?

My self-esteem is pretty low. I don’t feel pretty or confident or intelligent or anything, really, except bored and numb.

Ironic that quitting antidepressants would make me feel numb. Isn’t that everyone’s main complaint about antidepressants? That they made them feel numb? I guess I feel numb without them.

I wonder what that means.

These are the only words I’ve managed to eek out in over a week.

And even they are lucky to survive.

Nothing anyone says can make it better.

I just have to find a way to believe in myself again.

Somehow.

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8 Responses to Writers’ Block

  1. pinksilkjournal says:

    I like to hear from you (yes I am a random stranger) even if you’re not feeling brilliant; it reassures me that I don’t have to be on and funny and clever all the time.

  2. Katie says:

    Keep. Writing. How many times have I written those very words in the past five years? At least fifty bazillion times?

    I just don’t believe that the purpose of blogging is to please everyone. What an exhausting chore that would be.

    Oh, and I dumped boiling water full of mac ‘n cheese noodles on myself this afternoon. It left a red welt (whelp?) on my stomach, even though I was wearing a shirt. And my toddler sadly exclaimed, “Mac ‘n cheese FELL DOWN!” I was crying because it hurt so badly, but also laughing because my tender-hearted little boy was devastated for the noodles splayed lifelessly on our tile floor, but paid no attention to his freshly-burned mother.

    Just thought you’d appreciate a funny story. 🙂

  3. Erin says:

    I met you probably 9 years ago through a mutual friend at a Ben Fold’s concert in KC. Through other mutual friends, I found you again through Xanga (remember that dinosaur?) just as you were getting engaged. I read your blog and then followed your Writes of Spring blog. To say all that I am not a creepy stalker, but have found your writings interesting and relevant to our generation. I have mostly read because you offer personal details of your life that most people would bypass out of fear or judgement. Especially since people can take the written word and misconstrue the text and the truth you were trying to get across. I just want to encourage you to keep writing even if you feel like it’s not readable because it’s the internet and someone is always reading. I enjoy your style and look forward to reading more.

  4. Deb says:

    I started to say “just keep swimming,” but then I remembered you can’t tread water, literally or figuratively. So hang in there, babe.

  5. Carl says:

    Keep writing.

  6. Ally says:

    I was introduced to your blog Writes of Spring by a fellow JBU goer. Even though I was never at the college when you were, I appreciated the honesty you showed when others didn’t, like Erin said above. Please don’t stop writing or allowing your readers to see every side of your life, weaknesses and stupid moments in all. Trust me, we ALL say things when we feel silly, we all feel like we go overboard sometimes, but we all make it through. Looking forward to the next post!

  7. sarahthe says:

    It is rare that a day goes by when I don’t truly and deeply regret at least one thing that I’ve said. The good news is, and I honestly believe this, most of the time, we’re the only people who remember what we said in the first place. Be comforted by our society’s lack of listening skills. Be comforted by the fact that everyone you’ve seen today is going to go home tonight and think, “Why did I say that?” You’re not alone.

    Some days, knowing the above facts helps me. Other days, I honestly consider tracking people and apologizing for stupid things I’ve said and done. Hell, I still think about finding my former pastor’s son, Christian, and apologizing for the time when, at the age of 11, I openly bawked at him upon overhearing him say that he listened to RAP MUSIC. As soon as I heard it, I immediately turned to my mom and yelled, “NO WONDER HE IS SUCH A BAD PERSON. HE LISTENS TO K104!”

  8. George says:

    Hi Spring,

    Somehow we have more meaningful discourse when not face-to-face. Maybe it’s because my brain articulates itself better through writing than speaking, or maybe it’s because whenever I see you I’m dead-tired or preoccupied herding rock stars, but I guess the reason really isn’t important. Anyway, as a sort-of stranger, sort-of friend, it seems to me that this blog is good. Not just for you to write, but also for readers (who may or may not know you). And the fact that I comment on your blog stands as a testament (to me, anyway) that your writing is definitely engaging and thought provoking! You have a great voice; don’t be afraid to let it speak.

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